My favorite Tik-Tok Creator is famous for her entertaining and informative discussions about ADHD and kink. She recently posted a video response to someone else’s post. Unfortunately, I was unable to find the post that she is replying to and it wasn’t linked in the comments.
When she mentioned Kink and knowing that she is informed about the intersection between Kink and neurodivergence, I was excited to hear what she had to say.
She starts out with a number of hateful, shaming, and defamatory comments about a fellow TikTok creator. I was pretty much immediately turned off because I honestly expect more from her. But because I have grown to adore her so much, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt–Surely she’ll explain.
She plays a small portion of his video, insulting him childishly before she sounds the proverbial “#METOO” call to war. And due largely to the weaponized victim mentality of women who call “#METOO” when a man does something they find offensive (reading a conversation on Tik-Tok, really?), I had to recenter myself and reassure myself that @catiesaurus was not that kind of victim and she must have something important to say, so I listened out of interest instead of out of fear that if I didn’t, I would be exhibiting some behavior that could also be justification for cancellation.
The conversation he recites has one person (we are assuming is female, but we know absolutely nothing else about the person). She has one line: “Your profile says your DOM?” That’s it, or at least that’s all we are shown before the Red flags are thrown up.
His response was “yup, and this is what you should expect on our first date–yada yada yada.
Let’s analyze what is actually happening. Has she committed or expressed interest in a date? What if she is a bill collector who ran across his profile and saw DOM so used that to get him to reveal some information the bill collector could use to collect a debt.
There was no commitment, no relationship, no expectation that anyone should have to take anyone’s tender feelings into consideration. Nobody at this point has been violated and there ARE NO RED FLAGS.
If you felt a red flag, get the fuck out of kink. You haven’t done anything to merit a flag. This is the first conversation. If you don’t feel comfortable, get the fuck out now and quit approaching DOMS. What you want are Daddies–much different genre.
The supposed DOM lays out the services he has worked on and feels competent to provide. This is a list of services he is OFFERING using the affirmative to set the tone.
Had he said, “uh, well, yeah—I mean sort of….well if you don’t mind so much I can be dom. No really. Do you mind if I pull your hair? We need to write this down. What should we use for our “safe word”.
If you think that is how a dom SHOULD operate, please reconsider your alignment with kink. That is not dom behavior.
The DOM is obligated to investigate the desires and limits of the sub. The DOM does this most effectively by affirmatively stating certain trigger issues to see if the sub responds. When the sub mentions that they have Alopecia, the DOM KNOWS NOT TO PULL HAIR. Nobody has been hurt or violated. The dom offered to pull the subs hair and then realized it’s not a good idea. THIS IS HEALTHY NEGOTIATION.
And the sub may have other things that the DOM is not ready to provide. The sub, as a second text message, mind you, could say, “I was hoping you were into anal”. If the DOM wasn’t into anal, he would be inclined to shut down that suggestion immediately. If he was willing to explore anal, NOW WE ARE NEGOTIATING.
It is critically important to remember, this is initial contact. They are complete strangers. The man has laid out his idea of what their date SHALL include so that gives them both something to work with. It’s perfect in every way. The sub probably isn’t fully aware that they are in control the entire time. The DOM is just feeling them out and nobody has been violated. No toxic bullshit has happened.
Please, @catiesaurus, take this video down. You got it wrong and it seriously calls your integrity into question that you would send up RED FLAGS when there is no commitment, no date, no plans—it’s first contact.
If I saw someone’s profile that said DOM and I asked about it, if they didn’t take control of the situation from that point by telling me what I can expect on our first connection, it would be risky of me to show up. I could end up being dominated by someone with ideas that I found repulsive or terrifying.
This guy started it out perfect.
And don’t get me wrong. I could give a shit about this guy. @catiesaurus, I care about you. If you are going to train your users that upon first contact with a DOM, when they set expectations, you should run–that’s unhealthy and inaccurate. What they are doing is offering a plate of services from which you are welcome to say, “thanks, but I’m not into wearing women’s panties and being led around a church in a hot pink negligee. (Which happened to a friend of mine, He loved every minute of it. He knew well in advance what to expect and he went for it. That’s his kink. It’s not a violation and early disclosure of interest is healthy kink.
There is nothing to suggest that when the initial conversation is over, both will have explored what they were into and willing to do in a scene.
Please ask yourself how this is a red flag when NO DATE has been set. NO agreements have been made. Making a statement in the affirmative is the sign of a DOM that takes charge. It’s sexy and because this is literally the first thing he says to the sub, how could you be more forward or disclosing? How could the DOM have done it any better while still maintaing the appearance of control.
The entire problem, with modern KINK is that it tends to be phony. Any willful exchange of power is carefully negotiated in advance and at any time, someone can say, “hey, that’s not fair, you ruined everything” or “start over, that wasn’t believable”
The real job of the DOM is to service the sub. But more than just service the sub, the DOM’s job is to get to understand the motivations of the sub and use those motivations to push themselves to experience more. A real DOM needs apply no force of control over a situation so long as mentally, they understand what’s up.
I have been extremely fortunate to have had a number of profound experiences where I was able to feel violated and abused or nearly terrorized because I chose to stay in the scene. Afterwards, while shivering with some tears in my eyes and the most profound sense of empowerment and ecstasy–like spiritual awakening…my brilliant dom explained the entire scene and how he was able to constantly gauge whether I was still a willing participant. There was no safe word bullshit–he could gauge my reactions both emotional and physical and he could tell me before I even knew, when it was time to slow down or move in another direction. The DOM is committed to knowing exactly where the sub is at and encouraging–not forcing, the sub to move forward and explore. The only way to do this effectively is though the DOM’s hyperfocus on the sub.
None of this can happen when all you have from the sub is “So your profile says you are dom” It is unreasonable to say that red flags should go up when he offers his first proposal and the sub can decide if that works for them. Please, please, please take this video down. It’s not accurate and it fails to acknowledge that given what we have seen, this supposed dom is doing exactly that which you advocate for. It’s the first text message, for crying out loud. Nobody got hurt. If they did, get the fuck out of KINK until you can take responsibility for your own emotions or willfully trust a dom to manage that for you.
Below you will find the transcript of the video and my line-by-line response:
I just want to assure you that you are, in fact, on the right side if TikTok and we’re gonna talk about kink and kink safety today. So if you don’t see this kind of take grab a fruitsnack on the way out.
Who are you to decide the right and wrong side of TikTok. Immediately you have offended your sensible users who understand that people have different opinions and that doesn’t make them necessarily right or wrong. Your users should expect more from you than this. You can get your snark in without this kind of judgment whether founded or not. You are better than this.
I hope with all of my soul that you are not familiar with this clown. If you are, I’m sorry.
Seriously you are going to attack him personally in front of 1.6 Million followers? This is not the kind of thing you would expect from someone compassionate. This is the kind of thing that you would expect from an ignorant, racist, sexist, asshole. They love this kind of personal attack. Are you seriously no better than this? Have I just been deluded to think that you were capable of being more objective or at least more kind than this?
So I’m certified sex educator with a special interest in the intersection of neurodivergence and kink.
Several viewers have sent me this video, and it’s a lot. This video purports to be about why women like dominant men. But what it actually is is just a very brief and problematic text exchange between two individuals, who definitely in for sure totally exist.
I respect your desire to respond to your viewers and I can even see how you would feel obligated to let down the standards of expected behavior for our educators in order to ensure the check comes in, but this was a chance to educate the alarmists in your subscribers. You could break this clip down for what it is, not for how it made you feel. You could apply logic and reasoning to this content and show them that nobody in any way was violated or stood the risk of being violated against their will. But instead you went with the bandwagon. And I guess this is such a problem for me because you have further to fall than other TikTok Creators. I hold you with such high regard that this kind of slip up from you is hard to take.
There’s something that happens in that text exchange that is very important to pay attention to. This exchange right here that the Crypt Keeper so kindly reads for us.
Again with the childish insults? Maybe you really aren’t any different and I have just been foolish not to see how petty you really are.
The girl says.
So. I saw your bio. You’re a DOM.
This establishes the critical context of this exchange.This is first contact. No date has been set. No agreements made. Nothing has been decided or discussed, nobody is in any danger and there is no need to call for a flag on the play—Literally, not figuratively, but literally NOTHING has happened yet.
The guy immediately comes back with this.
Yup, so our date shall also include hair pulling, some choking and spankings.
Friends, we got trouble. This is a major red flag.
You have totally jumped the gun. You claim that the two parties need to establish a consensual agreement and that this is a violation of that premise. To me, and to anyone as experienced in Kink as you claim to be, this is establishing the consent you are going on about. Remember, there is nothing to consent to yet because the girl has said ONE Sentence. The DOM immediately sets the scene and establishes what he sees as the best situation for a girl wanting to be dominated by a DOM. He uses the affirmative tone to sound decisive and to seem to be in control of the situation. A lot of girls and some guys would be totally turned on by this. I would have been if I approached a DOM. I wouldn’t have enjoyed those activities, but his demeanor and willingness to take control of the scene is precisely what people want in a DOM.
But here is the difference between what he did and what you are claiming. He setup a suggestion for the night’s activities. Now it is the girl’s turn to participate. Let’s claim she has alopecia, she would then say, I’m sorry, but I have alopecia and can’t have my hair pulled. She then goes on looking for another DOM. No problems. No pain. No loss of hair. No control by the DOM. Instead, he would check that off the list and remember that hairpulling was out. Great communication Team!
Ant the girl may be looking for something more invasive. So she could say, I was hoping you were more experienced with anal, I’ve never gone there but want to try it. AGAIN, way to establish goals and boundaries. If the DOM is not interested in taking the sub there, he can bail No harm no foul, no red flag. Instead, the DOM might have some questions about exactly what did the sub want to experience? Full penis penetration, fingers, toys, electrical devices, food, liquids, gasses, chemicals, etc. Score one for the team, we have started negotiating the terms of the scene. NO ONE IS HURT, NO ONE IS DECIEVED, NOBODY MADE ANY COMMITMENTS TO VIOLOATE SOMEONE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION. This is perfect behavior for a DOM.
Imagine the alternative: “I hear you are a DOM” and the DOM replies, “Yeah, but only if you are okay with that. Would you like to hear what I think would be fun? We don’t have to do it but could I pull your hair, maybe cuss once or twice. I won’t make you cry and we can setup a safe word.” Seriously I would laugh the dom out off the service if a DOM was such a pacifist wet noodle.
And if I was into all of those things, I wouldn’t have to say a word. Anything I didn’t like, NOW is the time to negotiate. You should be instructing your viewers on that, not telling them to run because a DOM immediately, on first contact, started establishing boundaries and feeling the sub out. This is the most effective way to approach the careful negotiating that is critical in a power exchange.
What doesn’t work in kink scenes where the willful exchange of power exists is when the DOM is a complete wimp before the date and then puts on some bullshit act because they think this is being dominant. It’s pathetic. Either be DOM and negotiate without begging, without asking, but defintielyh establishing willful participating in advance. (see story 1)
You continue:
Good, safe, and consensual DOM does not just decide what your date is going to entail. Good DOM is never going to just dictate that you are going to be choked or whatever.
Again, nothing was dictated. No agreements were made. He offered a scene with specifics and now it is the subs opportunity to adjust those specifics. They dictate what they think is best, you have full veto power up to and including NOT PARTIPATING. If you can’t handle this simple use of the affirmative voice, GET OUT OF KINK for crying out loud.
The problem that I have. With accounts like this, in all seriousness, is that when this is used as the example as what real dominance looks like, that is very dangerous. It is very toxic. And for inexperienced kinksters who may not know any better, put them in a very dangerous situation.
I have demonstrated how it is not toxic, it’s part of the role. He was establishing a foundation for the scene that the sub has to agree to for the date to be setup. If the sub is not into those things, as with any hookup scenario, they can choose not to go. What is said during first contact is seldom what really happens. But the way in which it is said is critical to establishing the person as a DOM or a poser that will put on a good show if you let them.
Anything you do on a date, anything at all it cuddling or kissing or or. Whatever all of that needs to be decided ahead of time.
If this is what your textbooks told you during your studies to become certified, I heartily suggest you organize a protest. What needs to be established is the mutual respect of both parties and the commitment to work together to make the experience rewarding for both parties. Having a script or a checklist of things you will do is so akin to acting that it violates the premise of power exchange. There is no power being exchanged when it is prenegotiated. Imagine: “oh, so I am going to spank you five times and each time, you count out load and pretend to be hurt. Then I will caress your “sore” ass and tell you what a good girl you are…”
The liability alone of establishing everything that has to happen ahead of time ruins a scene quicker than shit. You can’t script the scene with such detail. Part of the fun of being sub is the unknown. The DOM is supposed to take you to places that you haven’t thought of before. Prescribing what is going to happen in advance is a lot like hearing the big twist in a movie. It ruins it.
.just because a person prefers a dominant role, that doesn’t mean that they get to decide that for you. They don’t get to tell you that that’s what is going to happen without it being previously negotiated and discussed
Though it is a stretch to be making this claim on first contact, the point that needs to discussed and the point that you could educate your viewers on was the establishment of boundaries. Undoubtedly, the DOM is going to say things that won’t happen. Lots of DOM play involves the threat of bodily harm because that increases dopamine and makes a scene more exciting—even if the DOM is the most sweet person on the plane who would never hurt a fly. It shouldn’t prevent him/her from threating your life if that’s what you want. Limits and boundaries should be well established before entering into a scene. But more important than that is the establishment of welfare intent. If you cannot establish that they DOM is focused on you and your needs, if you aren’t sure that the DOM wants the experience to the best experience for you, if you aren’t sure that you are safe, DON’T DO IT. (See story 1,2)
First it is a violation of consent. a violation of boundaries, and it’s not OK.
There is no consent or boundaries established at the first contact. Get that through your head. He is doing exactly what you want him to do.
I am a certified sex educator who deeply cares about safety and consent.
I have no doubt that your intentions are good. But jumping on the victimhood bandwagon and claiming that you are being victimized when someone lays out a proposal for your date and leaves the topic open for discussion, thereby establishing consent is not victimization. Nobody is being hurt or taken against their will.
If you still feel like this is a violation of consent (when literally no agreement or explicit intention to negotiate and agreement has been mae), then don’t commit. What you are looking for is a Daddy, not a DOM. You are looking for warm fuzzies that you get from being Daddy’s girl. That’s not DOM/SUB interaction by default.
In the Kink community, I have a favor to ask when you are learning about things like power dynamics. Be sure that you are learning from trustworthy people, sure that you are learning from people who set good and healthy examples.
You have just disqualified yourself as an authority on this. You have just created a fake situation where an inquisitive sub can feel victimized over a single text exchange before anything has even been established. What if the DOM wasn’t interested in the sub at all. All of your handwringing and bandwagon jumping is completely for nothing. You are training people to resist kink because you don’t like this man. Period. He has done nothing wrong and every single aspect of what he dictated is open for discussion before ANY COMMITMENT IS MADE. There is about as much of a relationship between the two people in the video as two strangers on the street. You can’t keep sending up flags when there is no violation. If anything, this is the exact kind of situation you want. Full disclosure of expectations up front. This gives you the option to bolt if you don’t like it.
The times when the most damage is done is when nothing like this Is stated. The DOM keeps his mouth shut and the sub thinks they are mysterious and get in over their heads. Warn people about the lack of disclosure, the lack of boundaries, the lack of information that accompanies an abusers intent to cause harm. This full disclosure eliminates that possibility that there will be any harm because to continue to hookup is establishing consent. If I say I’m gonna pull your hair and you agree to do a scene with me, I GET TO PULL YOUR HAIR. You consented. Period. But chances are, if you weren’t enjoying it or it was causing your harm, the DOM wouldn’t continue regardless of how much you wanted them to.
There are a lot of different types of DOMS. There are a lot of different styles of being dominant. They are all valid as long as there is healthy communication. As long as things aren’t just being decided. As long as consent and boundaries are respected, but this video is not that
Again, please take this video down. You have made an unfortunate mistake in thinking that the negotiations introduced by this DOM were over. If the DOM tells you what he expects to do and you aren’t interested, move the fuck on. No need for alarms or for violation. He established the framework, now it’s the subs CHOICE to consent or modify the framework. THIS IS EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION FROM THE FIRST CONTACT. What the fuck more could you possibly ask for?
Transcript Created by MS Word
It is possible that you know more about this video than you disclose and that the parts that you are really upset about aren’t shared with us. Given just what you have given us, this is the perfect behavior of a DOM on first contact. He establishes expectation using an affirmative tone and leaves the conversation open for the other person to modify the expectations. If they don’t like what he offers, they are not obligated to participate. If they want to change things, now is the time. This is perfectly reasonable.
It would not be reasonable for him not to budge and agree to go on a date with someone who didn’t agree to his terms. There is potential risk if the sub isn’t aware that this is a negotiation. Tell you viewers that he is offering these services using the affirmative tone. It is not until the sub agrees to meet that anything becomes expected. You are too early to send up red flags here and in today’s victim culture, this is par for the course. You can do better. You must do better. Get off the bandwagon and think critically about this situation and ask yourself how could the dom set the stage better? He couldn’t.
Please continue producing great content, but quit being alarmist about things that haven’t even expressed intent to commit. Please grow past insulting fellow Tik Tok Creators. You are so much better than that. 1.6M people are potentially affected by what you have to say. Say good things, do good things. This is not a good thing.
With loving respect and admiration, your follower, Jase